Thud. Mac-Thud. (macthud) wrote,
Thud. Mac-Thud.
macthud

my most secret terror, my most public fear

Something which happened to a friend recently... and pushed a rather large button of empathetic reaction.

discovering you're on the Outside of an Inside you didn't even know was there, and of which you only wish you could eradicate all knowledge, so you can return to that blissful state of ignorance, of thinking you're In with the In Crowd (and they're only really In because you want to be with them)...

like finding that a close friend has been posting to one (or more) filters that you're not on, and wondering what that could mean, what it might be saying about how they feel about you, what it could say about you, etc., etc.

It sucks. and it's high school (and younger). and it's constant and all but unavoidable and mostly not meant to be hurtful or exclusionary in a bad way, and yet it almost always is...

... we didn't want you to be hurt you weren't invited to the party, so we didn't tell you there was a party to which you weren't invited, and we won't talk about it where you can see (at least not for the near future, as long as we remember we didn't invite you nor let you know it was happening), but we'll talk about it where you probably won't see, and we'll dance around subtly (or not) hinting at what we can't talk about, and about the writing we've done for the other Special People to read, and sometimes someone will drop a pin and pretend it didn't fall, or pretend it was about someone or something else, and sometimes that may even not be pretense -- because you're not the only person who wasn't invited/welcome/special enough, but since we aren't talking about it, you'll never know how good or bad the company you're now in might be ...

... so you're not special enough to be included, and not even worthy of enough attention to be informed you're excluded, because that opens up the potential for Confrontation and Conflict, and it's so much easier just to pretend those don't exist ...

it's just plain ugly.

and it's one of the reasons my journal has never been friends-locked, and I have never used filters...

(I do think it's somewhat different to use opt-out filters -- announcing I'm creating xyz filter, so those of you who don't want to read about xyz don't have to be freaked out by it showing up on your friends list... let me know if you want off, cause you're on by default -- because the presumption is inclusive... I don't think opt-in filters are like these, because it's too easy to overlook the I'm creating xyz filter, so let me know if you want to see posts about xyz, cause otherwise you won't...)

just another way macthud is your friendly neighborhood freak.

I suppose this might be different for folks who've never actually been plotted against, who've never found themselves on the wrong side of the gossip mill... but I can only guess at this, because I have been plotted against, and I have been on the wrong side of the gossip mill -- the worst of these, once upon a time, learning through the grapevine that I was supposedly a convicted sex offender, among other incredibly nasty (and FALSE) things -- which rumors drove a significant wedge between me and several of those I considered my nearest and dearest, until after much effort (it's incredibly difficult to prove something like this is false -- far easier to prove that such a story is true), I managed to track the whole rumor tree back to its origins -- which turned out to be with a recent-ex of my then-recently-new girlfriend, whose initial words were nothing like what came back around the circle of telephones, but they were warped and twisted and exaggerated at every turn... and ever since, I've been hyper-sensitive, both about my own reputation, and about those of others -- and this is part of why I am only in closets by chance -- for if I keep no major secrets, and am open about the stuff that most people keep in their closets, there's no reason for anyone to give credence to really radical rumors...

or so I hope.
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