Thud. Mac-Thud. (macthud) wrote,
Thud. Mac-Thud.
macthud

  • Mood:

descending into the abyss

i feel like shit.


i'm nauseous, and panicky, and exhausted, and just don't want to move.

i haven't eaten anything worth mentioning since sometime Monday.

i made dinner last night, and stopped after a very small piece, abandoning the rest to the cats, while catya and i melted down.

why does my stomach hurt so much, with so little in it?

i'm supposed to leave for a chiropractor appointment (followed by the workday) in a few minutes.

i'm not sure i can move myself from bed to can, never mind the 35 mile drive -- oh, and have i mentioned, i'm answering the support phones this week?

i just want to crawl in a hole and pull it in after me.

i don't want to hurt like this. i don't want to be hurt, i don't want to cause hurt, i just don't.

the rest of the week is gathering after gathering -- house dinner, a housemate's small get-together, and an out-of-house party i was supposed to attend sort-of-with-catya, and work in-between -- and it's totally melodramatic and teen-angsty, but i don't know if i can handle any of it.

and i don't really have anywhere I can hide to be alone and lick my wounds. if i really want to be alone. which i do and i don't and....

i can't stop crying -- a different song comes on the radio, and blam... i try to think about what i need to do today, tomorrow, next week, and blam... the npr news broadcaster talks about something else, and blam

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

time to go blow my nose again, try to get dressed, and try to drive ....
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