Thud. Mac-Thud. (macthud) wrote,
Thud. Mac-Thud.

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well, shite.

i've been further 'off' this winter than many before.

i'm not sure where i've been exactly.

i do know that i've let too many threads drop further than was good for me or them, and i've been trying to find and recollect them.

among those threads is the one that fell tonight.

catya just broke up with me.

about a month ago, we had a conversation where we agreed that things were generally good, and foresaw a long future, and acknowledged that there would be bumpy patches, and that the following week would be one such.

(i had to work a trade show, with long hours, and not much energy/brain/etc for her)

the following week was much worse than one such.

she suddenly came to the conclusion that there was much more hard/bad stuff for her in this relationship than there was good stuff for her

and that she had to leave it, as it was

she summed it up as feeling `i want out` to which I responded as one might -- *huh*? out of what?

we've been discussing and fighting and talking and arguing for the few weeks since.

and tonight she ended it.

this was not what i wanted, is not what i want, and i'd do almost anything to change it.

i'm going to be a wreck for a while.

i've got a million things i need to fit into my schedule (doctors, finances, people, work), but i'm having difficulty just keeping myself from doing very stupid very self-destructive very other-destructive stuff, and i can't spare the focus from self-preservation to calendaring

if you're one of the dragging threads, please be patient

i really don't know what the rest of this week is going to be like

i hope the ripples anyone else feels from this are shallow.

the waves i'm feeling are anything but.

right now, i feel like i need to move, but i can't imagine doing so before rites, but don't know how i'll get through the weeks til then without, but i have no idea where i'd go, and but and but...

it's possible that things might adjust in ways that let me be comfortable or at least ok with living here longer, but it's very hard to see anything from here.

i'm just all kinds of messed up.

not that i'm really expecting it, given how far i've been, but if any feel the urge to call me, please use my office number, and leave a voicemail if i'm not there. email always works, though slowly at times. responses (screened, this time) here, as you will.

i'm not sure when/if i'll be around the house for the near future, nor where i'll be otherwise.

breathing, and not much else
(sleep? yeah, right...)

[edited to add the cut]

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